As a clinical psychologist who treats many stressed and anxious moms, I’ve often heard about the Housewives, those staples of Bravo TV that fight and booze and scheme their way through life. Patients will comment about the Housewives’ “drama” and label them as “crazy.” When I ask my patients to elaborate, they usually make some comment about how “emotional” these women are. Being “emotional” is seen as a negative thing—it implies that these women are out of control of themselves.
I’ve never been a Housewives fan myself (save a brief flirtation with OG Atlanta housewife Nene Leakes in 2008). But I have watched every season of the American version of The Traitors, must-see viewing for me and the members of my family. As every Traitors fan knows, Housewives are a staple of the franchise. So in the past several years I’ve been unwittingly brought into the Housewives’ universe.
On The Traitors, there are constant references to Housewife “drama.” (My personal favorites: the times when one of the Housewives says she wants to avoid drama at all costs, while at the same time clearly stirring it up.) Their emotions are always on full display, as when Candiace shoots daggers and spews venom at her fellow Traitor Rob, or basically any time Lisa Rinna is on camera.
Seeing these ladies in action has caused me to reflect on the comments my patients have made about the Housewives over the years; and specifically the idea that the Housewives are “emotional,” and emotional = bad. Because here’s the thing: being “emotional,” in and of itself, is not necessarily a problem. In fact, it’s incredibly important to be mindful of one’s feelings.
So many of the people I work with are the opposite of the Housewives: they try to conceal their bad feelings, whether they be frustration towards their partners, anxiety about the state of the world, or overwhelm at work. They attempt to cultivate an image of themselves as fulfilled, happy people who can handle it all. But this effort comes at a cost. By not acknowledging their own personal “drama,” they cut off opportunities for effectively coping with it.
The problem with the Housewives isn’t their “drama.” It’s the way they respond to it. I think we can all agree that screaming/brandishing knives/upending tables/throwing wine are not effective emotion regulation strategies. Might I suggest some cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) alternatives?
- Work on your body, with box breathing or progressive muscle relaxation
- Work on your behavior, with “opposite action:” do something that evokes emotions opposite to the negative emotions you’re feeling
- Work on your mind, with cognitive re-appraisal: change the story you’re telling yourself about a situation
- Work on present-moment focus, with mindfulness: shift your focus to one specific aspect of your environment (e.g. a certain sight, smell, sound)
In CBT treatment, you’re encouraged to express your “drama” and then use research-supported strategies to manage it effectively.
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