Recently, a patient explained that her parents were coming to town and had volunteered to babysit so that she and her husband could have a night out in the city. She and her husband hadn’t had a date night in literal years and sorely missed their time together. But her momentary excitement about free babysitting was quickly followed by anxiety. How could she ensure that her schedule for her kids would be followed? Ultimately, she was so nervous about what would happen to her kids’ routines in her absence that she decided to decline her parents’ offer.
I have heard many versions of this same story: parents desperately want a break, are momentarily overjoyed when a well-meaning relative offers to give them one, but then ultimately decide to reject the help, as leaving someone else in charge means that they won’t have control over their children’s routines.
After talking with many patients about this issue, I’ve given it a name: The Gift Horse Problem, named for the old proverb, “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” Parents look in the metaphorical mouths of these well-meaning people who are offering them help, decide that these hypothetical helpers’ meal selection/bedtime rules/screen time limits are not up to snuff, and refuse the help.
The end result of the Gift Horse Problem? Parents are tethered to their children. Their children become so used to being with their parents exclusively that they refuse to go to anyone else. In its most extreme form, the Gift Horse Problem can lead to separation issues, both for the parent and the kid. The kid is afraid to be without the parent, and the parent can’t bear to be without the kid.
I talk and write all the time about the need for parents to take care of themselves. I think it is critical that parents take breaks from childrearing, regardless of the age of their kid(s). When patients tell me they’re too anxious to leave their kid(s) with another adult, I ask them these three questions:
- Will your child be safe with this adult?
- Will your child be appropriately cared for?
- What is the worst-case scenario that can arise from leaving your child for a few hours with this adult?
My take on offers of help is this: if you can say for certainty that your child will be both safe and well cared-for, and if the worst-case scenario amounts to things like not sleeping as well or not eating a good dinner, accept the help, and remind yourself that the worst-case scenario is manageable. Maybe your kid will watch too many screens or OD on gummy clusters. But you will get a rare break, which as we all know is essential for effective parenting–and for effective living more generally!
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