Want to know how to argue effectively?
You’ve probably heard of the “I” statement. It involves expressing displeasure with someone by making a statement starting with “I,” as in, “I feel embarrassed when you leave the room as soon as my parents arrive.” The “I” statement has become somewhat of a therapeutic cliché, especially when misused (as it is here. “I feel like you’re an a**hole” is NOT an effective “I” statement).
When correctly employed, however, “I” statements can be an effective strategy for conveying frustration, anger, and other negative emotions. When you share your thoughts in terms of how someone else’s words or actions make you feel, it minimizes the chances that the other person will respond with defensiveness. Think, for example, about the difference between “You sit in front of the TV instead of helping clean up after dinner” and “I feel really frustrated when I have to clean up after dinner by myself.” While the other person can argue about how much they help with cleanup, they can’t argue with the fact that you are frustrated. It’s impossible to dispute someone’s feelings.
“I” statements are also a helpful place to start when you’re trying to ask someone else to make a change or give you something you need. First you tell someone how they’ve made you feel, then you ask them to make a change that will address your negative feelings. (This concept–sharing feelings and then asking for change–is captured in the dialectical behavior therapy [DBT] strategy DEAR MAN, which I will cover in a future post!)
Have you used “I” statements? Any thoughts or questions? Contact me here!
